As customary on holidays (for we must mention them even when we don't care about them) Happy New Year! Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu! Any good New Year's Resolutions? I don't have one, I'm far too cynical.

 

I'm almost done with the book I'm reading. It's really fabulous. ^_^ First book I've read carefully in years...sad, isn't it? But it's really hard for me. Been doing better though. I hope this lasts I really do love reading.

 

As for right now, I'm at a total loss. I've not done much today, and I don't have a ton to do, but I feel like I should be doing something academic...because once I get back into school, I'm just going to be holding back again. Such an awful, delicate balance. I guess perhaps I'll try to change it. Worked for Lloyd.

 

I don't want the year to start like this. I don't want this to be how it is all year...I don't want it to be how it is all life...much like the next Fall Out Boy album, I'm waiting on this year to see if it's anything new.   Hopefully I'm wrong about nothing ever changing. Ah, sophomore slump.

 

It's hard for me to watch someone do something stupid, but I have no control over any of that, whether it be one person, one family, one town, city, country, or the whole human race. But I don't care that I can't control it, I just think I'd enjoy life a lot more if the more of the people inhabiting the face of this planet were a helluva lot smarter.

 

February is coming. I don't want to ever live through that horrid month again, yet it comes every year. Two of the suckiest days ever and they're right next to each other and related...I wouldn't mind one if the other one wasn't RIGHT there to rub it in my face.

 

There was a day a while ago that I thought would be a turning point, but everything's gone back to normal. I think that brought this on. I felt it so strongly...and then nothing. BNW is totally right...we are given too much time to think for us to possibly be happy. Haha, it's so sad. And that's why I'm laughing.

 

Muse is some of the most calming and beautiful and inspiring music I've ever heard. I can't go back to school...I can't take any more of this. I wish they'd leave me alone to my books and just let me live my own life...let me be myself instead of that horrid monster they make me be. Let me be smart, for a change. School's not supposed to make me dumber!!!

 

After years and years of thinking I'm a worthless, incompetent idiot, I finally realized that I'm completely capable, and it'll die in 2 days due to the thing that's supposed to bring out the intelligence in me. I'll be a forgetful idiot who can't pay attention or even look at a sheet of paper because the stress and tiredness trigger my dyslexia so badly. I won't read anymore, I won't feel like I'm accomplishing anything, and I'll feel like just another stupid, tired, angsty idiot. It brings me to tears. All these people who have faith in me and believe I'm worth something despite all the times I've told them they're mistaken, and they'll never be able to see how damn right they were because I have to go to a learning facility to "heighten my studies". It's almost too cruel. I thought I was punished with a love to learn and so many things that prevented me from doing so, but really, I'm just punished by people trying to push me into what I am when they leave me alone. And they push me harder because they see potential and want to help me reach it. GOD WHY?! I just want to read books...

 

And when I go back it'll be worse than just thinking I'm stupid, because I'll know I can be smart, but I won't be able to access it. It's like when you can picture something in your mind but you can't find it. At least I have a desire to live. I doubt it'll see the light of Thursday day, though. I'll live it up while I can and just pray that maybe I can hold on to it if I try...and I'm truly sorry for all the angst and snappiness that may peruse if I can't. I wish people could see me be this person...this gentle, intelligent, maternal person that nobody believes exists in me. I guess everyone's been warned.

 

But I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Sorry for any snappiness or angst that comes with crossing that bridge. It's really tough on me, no matter who wants to believe it or say that minds don't work that way. Detaching oneself from stress is common, and I don't think I could fix it myself or if it should even be fixed. If I let everything in, what would become of me? Things for me to think about.

 

Why does Valentines Day exist? Does anyone know? Because I don't know a single person who likes it when they're single. Yeah, seems random, but there was a definite train of thought. Trust me there. Happy New Year! Hopefully it brings about good and fortune for the masses ^_^

More file transferring.

 

Kirstyn Faber

Anderson

Honors English

31 October, 2006

Lemon Drops

 

            Sometimes I’d like to murder my inner child in cold blood for its stupidity. When I was young, I longed only for a pat on the head and the savory taste of lemon candy on my tongue telling me I’d done well. I got only and wanted only for companionship, even if I had to bend everything that I considered “myself” just to get it. The day I died was a day like any other. My physical and mental healths were both better than ever, but in the eyes of society I was six feet underground.  It was the day I finally realized that I know myself better than the rest of the world ever could, so I should decide what’s best for me. It was the day I began to question society logically. I decided to do whatever I wanted instead of seeking meaningless praise. And ever since that day, I’ve found that societal values are alien and obnoxious. Casting them aside has made me free thinking and prepared for decision making in life, but it can lead to serious conflict with other members of the human race.

            By casting aside what society dictates, I can develop my own morals and opinions. For example, people often shy away from the darker aspects of life, calling them “inappropriate” or just plain too “morbid” for daily speech. I, however, have always found beauty and comfort in the dark and morbid. All too often I’ll be talking casually to my close friend about things like death, hermaphrodites, my own take on religion, violence, and sex. Every time we have these conversations, I never think anything of them until I notice people staring at us like we’ve chemically bonded, and it takes me a moment to realize that the surrounding people aren’t used to hearing these things in common conversation. I, however, am fine with these things despite the fact that they aren’t accepted. I don’t accept taboos as a valid reason for discomfort surrounding a subject. Another thing that I’ve left behind is the generic perception of beauty. As I stated, I find beauty in the dark. So when I discovered the effects of dark eyeliner on my pale skin and black clothes, I thought they made me look much better than pink ever would. But walking down the halls at my school, I heard whispers of even words like “satanic” and “soul-eater”. But I didn’t stop until I was tired of the constant makeup. I still think it’s beautiful, despite what the rest of the world may say. I didn’t give up my perception just because of what the majority said because I hold my values above societies. My final example makes my scars sting just thinking about it. Society dictates that girls must shave their legs before wearing something that reveals them. If they don’t, they’re thought to lack hygiene. But sitting in the bathroom, watching the blood ooze down my legs and onto the floor over almost transparent hairs and lack of coordination, I had to wonder why I was going through such pain just to wear a skirt. The answer was simple: there is no logical reason why girls should shave their legs when men don’t have to. Society is full of unpractical double-standards that cannot be explained by anything but “because that’s how it works”. When I realized all these things, I decided to rely only on my own judgment and my own morals. And because of this, I’ve become more independent as well.

            In correspondence to developing my own opinions, I’ve been able to make my own decisions over the years. People often go with the flow. If something is deemed un-cool by a person’s peers, they tend to stray away from that thing and wonder why they ever liked it. Such has been the case of many bands that have gone from underground to mainstream. Once they hit the radio, all the rockers and the “emo” kids abandon them, saying they’ve “sold out” even if their sound and messages haven’t changed. Those are the groups that would be the closest thing to peers for me. Yet when they condemned one of my favorite bands, I continued to love them while all the so-called fans quickly fled the bandwagon. I decided to go to their concerts, wear their shirts, and support them on my own without the support of my so-called peers. And speaking of the rockers and the “emo” kids, let me explain why they aren’t my peers anymore. I was sitting around with a small group of friends, ever the quietest person in the group, when suddenly someone slipped a little tube of white powder into another person’s bag. Both were fully aware of what was going on, and they planned to meet up later. I decided a while ago that being sober was perfectly fine for me, so instead of joining their group, I left without any second thoughts. I don’t let peer pressure get in the way of healthy choices, because what my friends think is not always going to be right for me. Being able to make my own decisions has helped me in school, which is practice for life. When finally given a teacher that allowed us to make our own decisions and refused to dictate every specific of an assignment, I was instantly pleased and went to work while the rest of the class seemed uncomfortable and continually asked him questions about things because they didn’t appear on the rubric. This is important because in the real world, a boss will not walk you through it, nor will you be able to have a step-by-step procedure of every task you must complete in life. You have to take liberties where there are loopholes and think creatively to stand out in the world and to be successful. Because I don’t let the norm of what people’s decisions stand in my way, I can do what I feel is right for myself.

            But despite all the great benefits to my free-thinking and good decision making, there are some setbacks. An immediate example is authority figures. I had a band teacher in 7^th and 8^th grade that did nothing but waste our time by picking on kids he disliked. I constantly told him that he needed to leave those kids alone because they weren’t doing anything wrong and that he needed to get back to teaching his subject. I noticed that after I did this, my chair position dropped from 3 and 4 to 10 and 11. I also noticed that he added me to his list of kids to pick on. Authority figures simply cannot stand someone questioning their rule, even if it is for the greater good. But having abandoned what society taught me, I see myself as equal to everyone else, and thus authority in my mind does not exist. Where I may see it as a nudge toward the common goal we are all trying to attain, authority figures feel threatened and backed into a corner when I critique their technique. This can hurt my opportunities in life because of ill connections. I can remember, in those years as well, being harassed by anyone with guts enough to talk to me. People are often afraid of the unknown and hateful of the very different. One person even flicked hot water in my face, screaming “holy water” because of my appearance and my closeness with a female friend, whom everyone considered my girlfriend. I almost got into a fight that year. I pushed a girl and if the classroom door hadn’t opened I would have beat the snot out of her for trying to pick a fight with my friend. More recently, I’ve been held back by my lack of age registering. I don’t consider people older than me to be better than me, as many older people say I should. Where I respect that my elders have been here longer, I tend to think that it isn’t so much how long you’ve been here, but how you use that time. I can also say I’ve met adults that I consider myself to be wiser than and that I’ve seen fail time and time again, and ask why, yet when I offer them my experience they shun me because of age. Recently, I got kicked out of my best friend’s house for telling her father exactly what I thought of his parenting methods. I’ve been studying psychology for a while now, and I could see the negative effects that he was instilling into his children by teaching through fear and anger. And that he did so over spilt milk (literally). Was I to stand by and watch my best friend, whom I’ve watched over and protected from the moment I met her, get chewed out by her father for a slight tone of voice while fixing an imaginary problem? Was I to watch her already low self-esteem get beaten further from her? I didn’t think so. I inserted my opinion as an adult would and he treated me like a child. Rather, he treated me like a misbehaving dog and threw me out of his house. Because I’m so far separated from what society has fed me about age, I didn’t even think that I was wrong in saying something. Not until I heard him say “she’s not an equal until she’s 18”, referring to my friend. I still find it hard to wrap my mind around the concept that people cannot be intelligent or knowledgeable until they’ve reached a certain age, no matter how much they’ve lived. So while thinking outside of the box of society has helped me out, it has gotten me into definite trouble.

            It’s been 5 years since the day I got rid of the doubt in my mind and embraced my own path, even if I’ve chosen the road with potholes. I’m almost ashamed of the years I spent in ignorance, following in the safe shadow of the rest of the group, but sometimes I miss those days when I didn’t have to watch my back and have an intelligent argument on the tip of my tongue for everything I do. Then again, what’s life without good debate? Even if I do put up with the occasional moron, and even if I do feel like I’m outside of humanity’s scope sometimes, I’ll always have the pride in knowing that I’m exactly what I want to be and that my life is my own. What more could anyone ask for?

 

I think I'll just not mention it again. I care about her...it makes my heart flutter every time we touch...I wish she'd be all I ever need...but she can't be that person. Even though it only feels right to have her in my arms and not anyone else...her hugs feel different...she feels different. Maybe I want a guy. I have no problem with her being a she. But I think a very sweet, understanding guy might exist...aw hell, I'll just live on fanfiction. That's good enough for me.

My mom's getting me a therapist. O_o I had -a- mental breakdown. Well...only one that she knows about. But I really, honestly think I need the help, so I'm glad. Pointed objects have been loosing their "scary" factor....and I don't feel like myself...I haven't in a long time.

I'm talking to Dami-kun again. But she's just Jessie now. It didn't work out, but we can be friends She did grow up a lot though. A helluva lot. It's really neat.

Now I have a lot of homework. Damnit...where's the Kratos to my Yuan? TT_TT So many pairings that I wish I was a part of. Damn you fanfiction..giving me hope that that sort of thing could exist...y'know...a loving relationship. ^_^0 Nobody really knows me except Sensei. Meta-chan is close, but not quite. I still have to hide things from her. She has no sympathy for me and -that- is the thing that I think really drives us apart. I need people to believe me...when I put up a front, people often think it's just stupid angst for no reason when I'm sad or depressed. They just get annoyed. They don't try to help me...or cheer me up...or talk to me...just get pissed off. That has to go. Why can't Sensei be this age? Maybe next year...since I may go to his school.  

My email and DA are both "broken" on this computer and I need this crap for NaNoWriMo. So disreguard this post; it'll be down in a few seconds anyway.

 

~*~

Present

~*~

It was the first step in the end of his life. The clacking of the keyboard silenced as the novel came to an end. And now, for the fifth or sixth time, the author read through it, looking for something…anything to edit. There was nothing. The final product of 5 years work had emerged and settled, leaving a void where the stress and excitement of the ordeal used to be.

He was never meant to be an author, but Aric had made it so. Aric, the philosophical teen that had forever changed the man’s mind, was behind the writing of this novel. He used the tools of guilt, hope, and regret to guide the author to this final product.

The author saved and logged in to his e-mail account.  He pulled up his editor’s screen name and browsed for the file, taking his time though he knew exactly where it was. The sudden rush of overwhelming thoughts bubbled in his brain and spread to the tip of his tongue, where it could only be released as a depressed sigh. He had never honestly expected to finish.

            Three years ago, this day seemed like it would never come. Even three months ago it seemed forever away. But today was it and Roy knew it. Today was the day he was sending the book to his editor. He wished he wasn’t compelled to commit this certain suicide, but his only hope in life was that his book would slip past the editor and end up read by the public.

            Roy was no idiot; he knew the only way to make sure his death was not in vain was to circulate copies underground. And that’s exactly what he had planned for the night. They were already printed and bound. The actual publication was really a formality. But Aric had said “on the shelf”, and Aric was the point.

            He sighed yet again as he reluctantly hit the “send” button. The click of the mouse sounded just like it did the countless other times he had heard it, but he swore it was different somehow.

            “Oh well” he muttered and stretched. Glancing through his tiny window, he began craving the cold, crisp night air. The temperature of the room seemed to rise slightly as he thought about it and he yearned to get outside. Yet there was one thing standing in his way: Gabriel.

            Gabriel was a friend from high school. He wasn’t all that close, but he was often thrown into the tight circle Roy kept. The man still lived with his father, but tonight was one of the occasions where he came to visit. His visits were usually odd and painless; he never really got involved enough to impede anything. Roy often wondered why Gabriel even came. But one thing remained certain: the man belonged in some sort of horror movie.

             After careful contemplation and a failed attempt to force the window, Roy finally decided he had to get out for the sake of his sanity. Perhaps Gabriel wasn’t in his usual position by the long, thin window in the living room. Maybe he was actually sleeping this time instead of staring bullets into nothingness. And maybe there were pigs in space.

            He opened the door to his room and walked straight into the living room. He hurried through, almost afraid to glance at the window. But the feeling of eyes on his back made him so uncomfortable that he couldn’t help but freeze up a little.

            “Roy…” Gabriel spoke.  

            “Y-yes?” Roy’s voice was a little shaky. He didn’t turn to face the speaker for fear of those eyes boring in to him. He wanted nothing more than to just walk out the door he had found himself in such proximity to, but he knew it would be rude to his guest.

            “Roy, you shouldn’t do it. There are still people who care a great deal for you, you know. Like Ren…she’d be devastated.”

            “Ren thought it was amazing. She said it’d make the people think for once.”

            “Yes, but she also thinks that way of you. And if given the choice between the two, she’d choose you over the book.”

            “It’s already sent, Gabriel, and now I have to deal with it.”

            “Idiot” was all Gabriel could muster before an irritated Roy walked out the door.

            Breathing in the fragrance of the dark, he found himself walking and did not try to stop. It was natural; he had often paced around the house when he felt writers block creeping up on him. He wandered into a small town that rested on the most beautiful lake he’d ever seen. He always wanted to live there, but the lack of funds made it impossible.

            Roy sat down and allowed his feet to dangle above the water. All the lights were blackened and the moon was full. ‘Maybe that’s why I’m feeling so odd.’ He looked across the water and sighed. It’d been ages since he’d been out of the house, let alone here. He admired the way the water shone and smiled a little. And then it all hit him.

            ‘What was I thinking? This is Christopher we’re talking about. It’s not just some FBI squad that’s going to come lock me up. It’ll be torture…I’ll be a freaking guinea pig. All those tests I ran…whoever took my job is going to be doing those to me. Probably even worse things by now. What did I get myself into? All for some stupid teenage boy! Annoying brat.’

            He resented the thoughts the minute they came into his head. But he couldn’t help thinking of himself with some sort of chip in his brain. He couldn’t help but think of himself like that awful doll Christopher had made of his daughter. He didn’t think he could stomach living that way.

            Looking to the water, thoughts of suicide pulled themselves upon him. It was a dream he’d kept having. Over and over again, he’d thrown himself into this very lake. He thought maybe it was because of the media-intense suicide a few years ago, but looking up from the bridge he thought differently.

            So this is it. The man with the life everyone envied…the man who everyone loved. This is how he goes. Pathetic, but better than the alternative. How sad is it that I’m here and unafraid? That I’m not going to hesitate once I’ve said proper goodbyes to myself? The failure of a life I dressed up to look so great is finally crashing down. Goodbye, Ren.

~*~

2 Years Previous

~*~

            “What are you thinking about?” Chris smiled, asking his underling a seemingly innocent question.

            “Hm? Me? Thinking? Never.” The boy smiled back. He hated Chris knowing all his thoughts. “Just because you’re a psychiatrist doesn’t mean you have any rights to be in my head.”

To this, the older man started laughing. “The expected answer. It wouldn’t happen to be that woman you asked to live with you, would it?” Chris took a guess, knowing it was probably wrong.

“Nah, I told you before, we’re not together. She’s like a little sister.”

“Then that woman you gave your umbrella to?”

“Not her either, Chris, you’re loosing your edge.” Roy laughed a little, but stopped abruptly as he realized something. “How did you know about the girl with the umbrella?”

“How could I not? We were standing next to each other at a crosswalk and she asked if you worked for me. She described you, but I didn’t know who she was talking about until I recognized your umbrella. She was babbling, you know. She seems a tad obsessed.”

“I have that effect on people.” Roy smirked and Chris rolled his eyes.

“Alright, enough chatting, lets get to work.” Chris said, a serious tone taking over his generally casual voice. Roy simply nodded. “Today we’re going to try out this substance I’ve been working on. And before you say anything, it’s a knockout gas.”

Roy was confused. “Don’t we already have one of those?”

“This one is different. This one allows them to function whilst knocked out.” Chris smiled at his dark-haired companion. “Do you want the technical jargon, or can I just say that I think I’ve found out how to knock people’s awareness out?”

“Experiment?” Roy asked quickly. It was the question he asked every time, because he was more curious about what experiment had been used to get results than the results themselves.

“Sleepwalking.” Chris said, and Roy nodded knowingly.

“That’ll suffice for now, but I’d like to see the reports once you’re willing to release them to me.” Roy didn’t particularly need to know what the study said, but he enjoyed being knowledgeable.   

“The gas has been released into the chamber. As you can see, there are 3 people doing routine things. When the gas kicks in, they should slow their movements but continue. When they wake up they should be shocked to find that their task has become more completed because they won’t remember a thing.” Chris explained, clipboard at the ready.

Roy watched in fascination as it played out just as Chris had predicted. Roy knew the man was a genius, that’s why he had picked Chris to work under. He heard something about a political campaign in the near future, but for his own selfish reasons he hoped the man lost. Later he would learn that he had much better reasons to want the man out of politics.

On the way home that day, Roy found himself unable to keep his eyes off a young girl wearing all white and a shade of sea-foam that matched her hair. She sent him the occasional glance, but quickly turned her head when she noticed him looking back.

“Mayasa?” he asked gently, hoping he wouldn’t embarrass her on the train.

“Hello, Roy…if you want your umbrella you can, um, well, I can give it to Chris to give to you. Um…” the look on her face made it obvious that she was mentally fumbling for words, but seeing that she was having trouble coming up with something, Roy placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Mayasa, it’s cute that you’re nervous, but you really don’t have to be.”

“Really?” she replied, finally looking up at him.

“Yeah. I just wanted to talk…maybe grab some lunch?” he offered, already thinking of what a great time they were going to have at the little Italian café near the next stop.

“I’d like to, but I’ve got stuff to do. Y’know? I’ll try to catch you later. I’ll make it up to you for sure, alright?” She smiled quickly and removed herself from Roy’s grasp. The train stopped and she got off, looking back only once with sincere apology in her large grey eyes. She mouthed something, but Roy was never any good with reading lips.

He got off two stops after that and decided to stop contemplating his rejection. 

          

I can’t hear the words, but I see his lips moving. Hope smites the shell of gloom created by the stereotype of negativity. The futile hatred of this Earth lodged deep within me is suddenly freed; these awaited words grace my existence the instant they’re processed. In my life the glass is usually half empty, but that doesn’t mean it can’t surprise me every so often and be half full.

 

Lemon Drops

 

 

 

~*~

     

     I got up too early this morning. I blame this on a cramp I wouldn’t even remember if not for the soreness it left behind. Needless to say, I’m falling asleep.  

 

“Hey Ren?” I look up at Meta, hoping she’ll have some aspirin and a big bottle of cherry soda in her hand. It comes as no shock when she doesn’t.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Nothing, I’m just tired.”

 

“Insomnia again? Do you need Lunesta?”

 

“I’m used to it by now. I woke up earlier than I should have this morning...yesterday morning too.”

 

“Let me guess, Damien?” she sighed in frustration.

 

“Yeah...he has this thing about keeping me up late playing video games and then waking me up really freaking early.”

 

“See, he sucks.”

 

“You do that too.” I quickly remind her and let my head sink into the soft padding of my backpack.

 

“Ms. Wilson!”

 

“Hm?’  

Project: Coast Guards Layout

 

Characters:

Order: Leader, main assassins, sage, random people.

 

Nocturne:

Kotai Inu

 

Mari-Sue Jones (Mari) (originally “Malice”)

Katalyst (Kat)

Shokubai (Shok)

 

Wakari Masen

 

Iris

Hikari Karai

Shigai Migel

Junsei Mitsu (Bishi-chan)

Subaru

 

Thrae:

Eliot Shayne

 

Honda

Hyun Dai

Ed

 

Muton Hitsuji (Suji-chan)

 

Kaze

Mizu

~*~

Dyers: Mari, Eliot, Hitsuji, Kat, Shok, Migel, Kaze, Shiro.

Survivors: Wakari, The Universe, Karai, Ed, Gimon, Kowai, Inu, Subaru.

 

Kat, Shok, Mari, Subaru, Ed, Karai, Mizu, Migel and Kaze are all experiments.

Kat, Shok, Mari, and Subaru are the ones they actually created.

They are the Coast Guards, basic magical being until later design.

 

Girls:

Mari- Carrot

Mizu: Water Chestnut

Kaze: Ketchup

Kat: Corn

Iris: Cabbage

Shok: Peas

Eliot: Brussels sprouts

 

Boys:

Wakari: Lettuce (Completely useless; failed)

Honda: Spinach

Hyun: Spinach

Karai: Cauliflower

Ed: Broccoli

Subaru: Eggplant

 

 

Nocturne Characters:

Inu: An obsessive, possessive, intelligent, un-romantic, tactless, annoying, and abusive genetically-altered bishounen who likes destroying things. When he saw Malice in her containment center he decided that someone like that shouldn’t end up without emotion like Shok and Kat (who talked Inu into this whole thing).

 

Mari-Sue: A teen girl who is kidnapped by Inu because of her chemical make-up (actually, she was stolen from her container and injected with new memories). She is your typical teenage girl. When she first arrives, she develops a crush on Migel, but Inu tries to steal her constantly.

 

Katalyst: Completely man-made. Will do anything if you pay her enough…or if she thinks its fun.

 

Shok: Runs on sugar (literally) but is a very rational person after about 5 minutes. Also completely man-made. She and Kat are in “love”…as much as two completely emotionless people can be.

 

Wakari: The resident sage. Everyone but Inu thinks he’s crazy in his attempts to summon the Universe.

 

Iris: Wakari’s genetically-altered female clone.

 

Karai: Is later genetically-altered. He’s Ed’s feminine twin brother. Fickle, carefree, mean, and a little Inu-obsessed. Hates his brother.

 

 

Migel: Genetically altered. Strong, concerned, sensitive, and surprisingly straight. He loves Mari-Sue the way Tamahome loves Miaka. ‘Nuff Said. He’s slowly turning into a woman which grosses Mari out.

 

Bishi: The resident perverted nurse. He’s such a creep…which is probably why Inu sacrifices him to get Karai back…that and I swear he loves the boy.

 

Subaru: Completely man-made. The resident maid. Basically the Ren of this series, only he’s very hot.

 

 

Thrae Characters:

Eliot: The military leader of genetic experimentation. Inu used to work for her (and was also her lover) but after the Malice incident they became enemies. She’s genetically altered in many ways.

 

Honda: Top assassin. Cold, heartless bastard.

 

Hyun: Random assassin dude who works with Honda.

 

Ed: Karai’s genetically-altered twin brother. He’s a narcissist who would love to dress Karai up like himself and stare for hours...amongst other things.

 

Hitsuji: In the very beginning, she’s around to inspect since Inu is still working for Eliot. She later becomes the sage on the other side but fails miserably. She kidnaps Iris, but that fails too, so she uses Iris as a hostage to try and sway Wakari and the Universe.

 

Kaze: Completely man-made. Is weak and constantly dizzy.

 

Mizu: Perfect, wavy, and cold as ice. What else would you expect?

 

 

 

Notes: The man-made ones were actually recently dead people who were brought back through modern science, but it gives them the odd power side-effects and leaves them lacking emotions.

 

Life is so obnoxious. -_- I finally realized that by "I love you" most people mean "You're a lot like the person I like, so I'm going to settle for you because I have low self-esteem and they're gay or taken." >< Damnit! I can't blame anyone for it...I can't get revenge on anyone...I can't beat the shit out of him because he's one of my best friends...and I don't have anything to want anymore. I don't have any reason to get up in the morning...I think I've just let it go. All of it. And it makes me want to cry...

I WANT TO VOMIT THIS UP. I want to throw up all my feelings and flush them down the toilet. Literally. It feels like I should be able to, but I know I can't. I want to leave a scar or a mark or something on myself to engrave this forever into my mind, but I settled for some permanent marker since I don't want to be sent in for counciling. There's no such thing as anything...I don't want to eat or sleep or do anything. I don't even want to see her. Nothing seems real...everyone else isn't there, they aren't alive, neither am I...I want a coin-operated boy.

Changing this post cuz I don't know what I was thinking. ^_^ Meta-chan says she loves me and she won't take it back! I'm happy...but I'm thinking about how this will actually -work- now. How'm I s'possed to be? What is she looking for in a Shigi? Hmmm...*ponders* I think I'm figuring it out though. God I love that girl. She makes me feel safe and actually -happy-...when I'm there with her I get this feeling like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be....a feeling I seldom get.

My grandpa died today...I hate to say that I'm not sad, but I just don't get the death hype. I'll miss him, and he was a great guy, but death is not something that strikes my heart with sorrow and agony. Unless it was like Meta or my parental units or myself...

Meta-chan was so sad today...and her dad sounded sad too...they had their calls forewarded to their cell....something musta happened. I want for her to tell me, but she said she "wouldn't waste my time". I think I'm gonna have to start being that person...the mature, caring person that I am on occassion but nobody believes me because I'm usually not like that.

*sigh* I think that's about it, really. Have fun, all...*does homework.

*sigh* It's sad to give up so soon, but I find it hopeless. CS2 just can't work because I can't manipulate the situation the way I could with CS1. I also give up being in love. I don't like it. I also give up on being nice. Again, I don't like it. I give up on humans. The only person I want is Kaoru, and he's an Angel. I give up on lying to myself. She cares about me, yes, but she doesn't -love- me. I shouldn't pretend they're the same. No matter how I look at it, she's just a Yuki Eiri and I could never be a Shuichi. I'm a Shinji, damnit,  I need a Kaoru. *

(* Anime referances.  Yuki Eiri is cold, moody, and affectionate only on the rare occasion that he feels like it, and Shuichi puts up with it happily and takes what is given.  Kaoru is laid-back, reassuring, and unafraid, while quiet, awkward Shinji tends to run away from things and miss oppertunities because his ever-dying ego and frightened heart don't allow him to act on his own.)

She says lovely things. On occasion she does lovely things. But they will never add up to what I'm looking for. I'm sure she's afraid, since last time she got hurt, and I hurt her...but I just don't -care- anymore. I'm not going to spend my time swooning over someone who isn't going to show enthusiasm for it! I like affectionate people who tell you they love you all the time and hold you when you look sad and let you get lost in their world. I like people who bend to my will, too. I also like people who don't change their mind on how they feel about you every 3 seconds. And finally, I like guys. Does such a person exist? I highly doubt it. Which is why I've given up. I thought Meta was that person, but she wasn't and she isn't and she just never will be.

I really, really want a Kaoru. Really bad. (I'm referancing Nagisa Karou, or Kaoru Nagisa in English...from Shin Seiki Evangelion, or Neon Genesis Evangelion in English. Damn English! Anyway...) He's Tabris, the angel of free will...also wise, loving, bold, laid-back, and beautiful. Yup. He's also fictional, damnit. In happier news, Damien found someone new to stalk, huzzah. Hmm, what else happened...I -almost- kissed Meta but I got really scared and wimped out because I'm a loser.

I don't know why, but human contact makes me nervous. Especially kissing. I always end up thinking "now isn't the right time, maybe later they'll be a better moment." and "I may want to, but I don't think they want me to. Just because they're giving me that look doesn't mean they -mean- to give me that look." And then I just never end up doing it. I'm surprisingly bold with Meta-chan though, so I'm surprised I didn't. I can't help myself with her...it just feels right. You know, just the small stuff like running my fingers through her hair, touching her cheek, kissing her hand, random glomping...it just feels natural when I'm with her. Even though she may not want me to. But she hasn't said anything. She even got disappointed when I stopped doing that kind of stuff, so...God I'm obsessed. Shame on me...

She said some really nice things yesterday...I only really remember one thing that really stuck out to me though. I told her I wouldn't be at school because I was sick and she said that she was really sad because it's not worth going when I'm not there. I told her I would try, but I woke up at like 5 and that was -not- enough sleep. That, and I had no voice until about an hour ago. I may not have it again tomorrow, though I hope I do because I'm going to see her...damn. Everything really is about her. I wrote a song about this anime series I saw and it ended up being about her!! I guess it always has been about her...ever since we met.

It was the summer of 47...erm, rather, it was sometime in the winter of 7th grade. Pre Feb. 13. You know, back when I was happy. ^_^0 Anyway, she was sitting by the science room before school drawing. Normally I wouldn't have said anything...because I liked sitting silently in the hallways before school started. But something had apparently taken me over, because I said "wow, you're really good." She replied with a simple "I know." and didn't even look up at me.

Most people would have just given up at that point, but I did not. I was gonna say something else, but the bell rang and so we went inside instead. We didn't talk a lot after that. In fact, we didn't talk at all. But I thought about her. And then February 13th happened and I lost all interest in everything. I only remembered her because Mr. Patrick assigned us a lot of projects together. We even had to sit by each other for a while. I got her email address during the very first project and we've been talking ever since.

That, however, is not the end of the story. February 13th left me bitter, bitchy, and a little obsessed. It sparked some minor conflict...and then the year was over. 8th grade was when we got really close. And someone else was also trying to get close to me at the same time so I'd blow Meta off sometimes...because of the February 13th obsession. It made the other person very, very important to me. Meta and I fought a hell of a lot that year, but we also started a joke online that we were together to see how man people we'd freak out. And then it wasn't a joke, it was fact. And then there was Damien.

I do beleive I've told the story of what happened to us after that...Man...

Hm...I have lots of awesome Meta memories from when we were together. We were never really a "couple" in a physical sense...but I still have some neat memories.

I remember this night on my porch...I was sitting in a chair and I had given her a Cookies n Cream bar to keep her occupied while I looked at the stars...next think I knew she was breaking it apart and feeding it to me ^_^ That's like, one of the awesomest memories I have. I think it's one of the two most romantic things that ever happened to me. I have a weird concept of romance...because you see, the other one was when Damien rinsed out my hair for me in the sink after we went swimming this one time. Of all the romantic things...

And there was this one time when we were going to bed...and she was laying down and a light was on behind her and her hair was all down...back when it was long...looked like an angel I swear...hehehe I woke up the next morning and her hand was latched on to the waistline of my pants XD she does weird stuff in her sleep. Like this other time when I let her sleep on the couch and I had to sleep on the floor...and she got up in the middle of the night to come lay down with me... And she woke up about an hour later and was got up all weirded out because she didn't remember getting up.

I remember this one car ride and we were talking about smoothies and we went to DQ and there were annoying people and I yelled at them and we went to my house and she threw up because we watched too much dub anime and she had eaten pizza and ice cream...XD

She always used to wake me up by putting a cat or a hamster on my face. She still does sometimes, but not so much anymore.

I remember a lunch period where she fed me chocolate coins in front of Conner and he just wigged out. I remember this one time when I was with Damien and Connor pointed out that I was madly in love with Meta-chan...I remember at the 8th grade party I tried to hook the two of them up...Meta and Conner...Not because I really wanted them to be together but because I wanted her to be happy even if it wasn't with me. It didn't last between them thank God...

In the end of it all, I don't think she'll ever take me seriously or feel the same way I do. But I can't help but try and hope and pray because she said that if she'd just open up she'd probably love me. If I can just get her to do that...I label this Case Study #2. If she does open up to me, it will be the end of the case though. I refuse to repeat Case Study #1. I just want to open her up and after that I will leave my fascination with human emotion out of it. Man, i really don't know how to go about this. I suppose it'll come to me, though, it always does.  

I feel so contaminated. Probably because I am...but I think I pushed myself too much yesterday by playing badminton and doing weird voices for extended periods of time. I woke up this morning and my throat hurt so much I started crying...which kinda suffocated me because my nose is unusable. I feel very weak and very vulnerable and very contaminated, so I don't want to be around people today...sad...but at least I'll have an extra day by myself to think.

Think about the following when you get the chance.

 

~*~ Existance. Of you, of me, of Shinji Ikari.

~*~ What is importance?

~*~ What the hell happened with Meta-chan? If she doesn't love me, then why? Does she really somewhere in the back of her mind and just not realize it? Or is she trying to make me feel better?

~*~ Rewatch Evangelion. Like Shinji with his CD player, 25 adn 26 over and over again. Maybe you'll understand better. Was the creator just insane or was he truly on to something? What is human instrumentality?